Connecting With Non-Verbal Loved Ones

This month, we’d like to empathize with those struggling to connect with loved ones who are no longer able to speak. Below are some tips on how to address this frustration and move forward so you can both enjoy your time together.

Bekah scrawled her name on the lobby sign-out clipboard, wondering if anyone in the whole building cared that she had come. Especially Grandpa.

For forty-five minutes she had sat in the little chair next to his bed. Fifteen of those minutes she had tried asking him questions about his life, telling him what the freshman dorm was like, filling him in on her roommate. Of course Grandpa didn’t answer. Occasionally he’d vacantly stare towards Bekah, but his eyes never met her eyes and stayed there.

The only time he’d had a flicker of recognition was toward a nurse who walked in to bring him a couple pills and a cup of water. He had mechanically swallowed the meds and the caregiver had walked out without seeming to notice her.

For the next thirty minutes Bekah joined him in the silence, mutely staring out into the activities room where a noisy talk show played in front of nodding residents as alert as Grandpa.

As she headed out the door, the same nurse spotted her. “Your grandpa know you today?”

“Not really.”

“Well he always knows me. Maybe you should visit more.”

As Bekah stared at the back of the retreating nurse, she fumed.

Maybe if he would respond I might visit more!

Connecting with Non-Verbal Loved Ones

For our loved ones dealing with speaking difficulties due to memory loss, stroke, or illness, the challenge of communicating can seem insurmountable. As much as it hurts us to not be able to converse with them, imagine how much worse it must be for them. As tough as it feels to persevere, especially in the face of busy schedules, difficult onlookers, and mounting discouragement, it’s vital that we learn to push on.

This is one battle we have to win.

If we could tap on the window of Bekah’s car as she sits weeping in frustration, guilt and grief, here’s what we would tell her.

1. Grandpa heard you. His mind no longer is equipped to respond correctly, but he heard your words.

2. It’s okay to carry the conversation. It’s okay for you to ask him questions, answer for him, and move on to the next question. It’s okay if you simply frame everything as a statement. It’s good for him to hear your voice talking to him, treating him with care, even if he’s not clear what it’s all about.

3. It’s okay to just come sit next to him and read. Read your homework. Read a favorite book you once shared with him. Read Bible passages or favorite poems. Let the writing carry the day.

4. If you get tired of reading, just sit and read silently. Then go back to speaking to him. Do your nails. Send off the email. He can sense your presence, even if he appears oblivious.

5. Let your touch remind him he’s loved. Hold his hand as you read to him. Brush his hair if he’s agreeable. Whatever you do, be gentle and appropriate, never quick or abrupt in a way that would scare him. Touch and hearing are two non-verbal means of communication that last long after everything else is gone.

Just because your loved one is no longer verbal doesn’t mean your relationship is over. Now is the time you can communicate your love through simply showing up.

You can do it.

If you ’d like help in caring for your non-verbal loved one, please call us and see how we can come alongside you. We’d love to be your backup. You can reach us at 615-522-5265, and if all you need is a listening ear, we’re here. We look forward to hearing from you.