When It’s Time for “The Talk” part 2

Last month we eavesdropped on a typical conversation between an elderly parent and her children who believe she needs to move to a facility, despite her wish to remain at home.

As we mentioned, at the end of the day, it's the parent's decision where they should live.

But That Feels Wrong

For adult children who have the best of intentions, allowing a parent to remain at home can feel WRONG.

Is it responsible to allow your parent to live alone when you're not going to be able to check in constantly? Won't they be lonely? What if they get scammed? What if they fall?

Isn't the obvious answer a facility?

Not necessarily. People can and do fall in facilities. Accidents still happen. Medication mistakes still happen.

Plenty of people feel lonely in facilities, even though people are everywhere. Making friends in later years can be difficult. For some, it's like reverting back to the junior high lunch room and all that drama, only accentuated by aches and hearing problems.

And yes, people can still get scammed in facilities. And worse.

But even if you found the perfect facility your family can afford, there's a powerful reason to hold off if your loved one is adamant about remaining at home:

INDEPENDENCE.

As long as someone remains in their own domain, there's a measure of "I can do this" that can sustain them through sickness, isolation and hardship.

Take away their need to say "I can do this," and many people simply give up. Go visit a facility and take note of how many people are sitting around staring vacantly. When the need to care for their own matters of daily living is taken away, so goes the quality of living.

Our policy is to encourage families to LISTEN. When your loved one is enthusiastic about something, roll with it. That enthusiasm, whether to remain at home or to move to assisted living or a nursing home, must be present if you expect positive outcomes.

How This Plays Out 

In our experience, it's common for family members to want their loved one to move to an assisted living or nursing home after a hospital stay because they feel ill equipped to help them recover safely at home.

When one friend we'll call Wanda came back from the hospital and rehab, she was determined to go home and stay there. Her family was just as determined she should move to assisted living.

Since her children were not available to assist, Wanda's best friend called Cura and asked us to come by and see what could be done to make the home safe.

After a conversation with the family, everyone decided Cura should come the first week for a few hours a day, helping her adjust to her new limitations, take her to appointments, and organize her home.

Throughout this time, Wanda gained a new lease on life. She stopped watching all her daytime TV and started calling her old friends. Even though she was living alone, she wasn't lonely. The threat of moving to a facility had alerted her to make the most of the rest of her life.

 Is a Facility Ever a Good Idea?

We believe that to every thing, there is a season. The time may come when it's time to move to a facility. That's why an in-home assistant who can monitor changes in condition is so vital. By allowing an individual to remain at home, independent for as long as possible, we can maximize not only the length of life, but also the quality of life.

The important thing is to listen. We must learn to trust our loved ones to be the responsible adults we will want others to allow us to be when we are aging.

At the end of the day, it's their life. And we need to support them in where they choose to spend that life. After all, who are they moving to a facility for? If it's for anyone but them, please re-evaluate.

We only get one chance to honor our parents. Cura for Care exists to help families provide the best life possible for their loved ones. If we can help you or someone you know, please reach out. It costs nothing to call, and we love sharing ideas.